just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
