I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
BRING THE BAGELS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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