My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
