fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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