I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize