'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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