So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
