in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
