I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
