I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
