he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
