Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
