mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
