I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I understand Curling. That high.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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