Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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