Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
