I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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