I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
