i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
