now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
