you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
