You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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