i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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