I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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