a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
