Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
