Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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