hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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