when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
