This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There r osticjed everywhere
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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