I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
