so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
