his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
