awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
