Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize