it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize