I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I AM VODKA MAN
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
