I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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