I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
