Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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