Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
