This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
