I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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