i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
