If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
