I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
