never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize