Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
