i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i need some magic done to my vagina
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
