hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
