you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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