a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
