nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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