when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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