And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
