and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
